FMA Short Bits
by LongliveA.Monk
Summary: Short, random, and nonsensical FMA stories. You have been warned.
1. 1 Daddy

These are completely random FMA stories that have no plot and, sometimes, make no sense. Ok, I lie: They will NEVER make sense. Some of them are based off actual events, and others are whatever pops into my head.

This particular story is based off something that really happened at my college during dinner one night. I said what Ed says.

_Disclaimer- I highly doubt that I own anything. _

Daddy

It was a normal day at Central Headquarters. Mustang and his team, plus Edward, were eating lunch and chatting with each other in the cafeteria. Out of nowhere Fuery said, "Our group seems like a family."

Everyone looked at him.

"Ah, um, sorry for the sudden statement!" He blushed a bit and looked flustered. "But…with everyone talking and eating together it made me think of a family dinner. Havoc looked around the table. "You know, thinking about it, I agree with you Fuery. We do look like a family. Look," He pointed to Riza. "There's the mom," He pointed to Roy. "There's the dad," He pointed to Ed. "There's the son," He motioned to the rest of them team. "And we're the relatives."

Riza smacked his hand. "It's not polite to point."

Havoc pouted. "Ow! Hey, I'm not the child!"

"Yet you act like one." She replied.

Havoc pouted again while Fuery tried to conceal his snickering.

"Oi oi, hold on!" Edward shouted. "Mustang is my father? I don't think so!"

"What about Riza as your mom?" Breda asked.

Ed looked at her, considering the matter. "…yeah sure. She could be my new mom. But Colonel God-Complex is NOT my new dad!"

"Yes he is!"

"I think we're taking this too seriously…" Falman said.

"But we have to make Ed confess his true feelings!" Said Fuery.

"True, that is a serious matter."

"What the hell are you all talking about?" Ed practically growled.

"Admit it, you secretly see Roy as a father figure." Jean said, a small smirk on his face.

Ed frowned, folded his arms and looked away. "I do not! I don't see him as my dad! Not at all!"

"Oh, I see…" Havoc said, looking at the others, still smirking.

"Denial." They all said in unison. (1)

"I am not denying anything!"

"Your face is turning red." Breda pointed out.

"With anger!"

"Liar!"

The team began speaking all at once.

"The look in your eyes says you want him to care!"

"You say you hate him yet you've never asked for a transfer for another superior officer."

"He's been your mentor all these years so you must have some attachment."

"Just admit the truth!"

"SHUT UP!"

"Would you all stop?" Roy finally gave his input to the whole ordeal. "Look, this is just pretend, go with it Ed."

He responded by folding his arms and slumping in his chair. "Hmpf."

"Aww, come on," Roy, who was sitting next to him, leaned over and hugged him. "Son." He smiled.

Ed blinked. "…." He slowly put his arms around him, smiling a little and looking like he was about to cry. "D…Daddy…"

Roy smiled back at him, patted his back, the let go and continued eating. He was about to eat his pudding. "Ah, I forgot a spoon." He got up from his seat.

"No! Don't leave me daddy!" The small alchemist said in a panicky voice, reaching his hands toward him.

The Flame Colonel looked at him, one eyebrow raised. "I'll be right back, I'm just leaving for a moment."

"THAT'S WHAT MY OTHER DADDY SAID!" Ed cried out.

"….." The Colonel stood still for a moment before he sat back down at the table. "Could someone go get me a spoon please?"

XxxxxxxXxxxxxxX

Did I go too far? Did I hit too close to home? It was funny between my friends and me…

(1) Guess the movie!


	2. 2 Important

_Disclaimer: Sooo…just in case you were wondering….I don't own FMA. _

Based off Episode 31 of Brotherhood, when Kimblee is released.

Important 

"So, it's all settled: You find Scar and Marcoh. You're free to kill Scar, but bring Marcoh back alive." Envy said, turning the car around the corner. "He's very valuable to us. And don't forget to destroy the town."

Zolf J. Kimblee (1) played with the new stone between his fingers. "Understood." He grinned widely. "Ah, the feeling of power once again. I can do a lot of damage with this. The Isballan doesn't stand a hell of a chance. And to hear those screams of terror…" The alchemist sighed happily. "Music to my ears."

Envy smirked. "Seems you and I like the same 'music'."

Kimblee gave out a short chuckle, bloodlust in his eyes. Then, a look of remembrance came across his face. "Oh wait, speaking of music, what day is it?"

"…It's Tuesday, but what does it matter?" Envy asked, confused.

"Tuesday already?" Kimblee gasped. "I can't leave yet, I'll go tomorrow."

Now Envy was very confused, and frustrated. "The mission can't wait; it's important! Why can't you start today?"

Kimblee gave him a look. "Um, hello! 'Glee' is on tonight! I am not missing that!"

"…." Envy stopped the car and turned around to face him.

"OMG you're right! I completely forgot! Thanks for reminding me!" He immediately started the car again, speeding down the street.

"Yippee yippee! Glee Glee!" Kimblee sang cheerfully. "Screams of pain are only second on my list of great sounds when compared to 'Glee' covers!

"Same here! Same here! We do like the same music!"

XxxxxxxXxxxxxxX

Father looked on in confusion as Envy and Kimblee immediately ran into the underground lair, sat on the couch and turned on the TV. "Why are you two…?"

"SHHH!" Kimblee turned around, finger to his lips. "We're watching!"

"It's extremely important!" Envy said, eyes still glued to the screen.

"….." Father blinked, shook his head and walked off, then did a double take. "When did we get TV and a couch?"

XxxxxxxXxxxxxxX

(1) I know a lot of people write it with an S, but I think it looks better with a Z.


	3. 3 Resemblance

Please don't question the random things that go through my mind, not even I understand them.

Characters are from the first FMA series.

_Disclaimer: If you think I own FMA, you are incorrect. _

Resemblance 

Frank Archer was trying to do his paperwork but with the amber eyes of a certain alchemist completely focused on him, he couldn't concentrate. He looked over to the other person in his office, Zolf J. Kimblee, who had been staring at him for the past hour. It was extremely annoying. But what made it even more frustrating was that Archer had no idea what Kimblee was up to. Archer was proud of the fact that he could read people like books; he could always tell when a person was lying or if they were up to something. But with Kimblee, he could never tell what went on in that alchemist's head. The man was a walking enigma. Archer had already asked him several times if he had something to say, but every time, he answered "no" and went back to his paperwork. Maybe he was just trying to annoy him, make him go crazy. If that was the case, as much as Archer hated to admit, he was close to succeeding. The Lt. Colonel frowned.

"For the last time Crimson, do you need something?"

Instead of answering, he just continued to stare, narrowing his eyes as if observing him.

He sighed angrily. Now he was pissed. He thought about Kimblee's intentions: Was it really just to annoy him of was it something else? Was he trying to see if he'd be good bomb material? Was he working for the higher ups, or even for an enemy of the military, and spying on him? What the hell did he want? He couldn't stand it anymore. He stood up and slammed his hands on the desk. "Stop messing around! What do you-"

"Frank Sinatra." Kimblee interrupted.

"…..excuse me?"

"I've been thinking…your name is Frank, and Sinatra was nicknamed 'Ol' Blue Eyes' and you have blue eyes, so… you're Frank Sinatra!"

"…." For the first time in a long time, Archer was speechless. He could not think of any way to respond to that.

Kimblee grinned. "I always knew you were still alive! All you did was change your last name!"

"…I think I liked it better when I didn't know what goes on in your head." He couldn't tell if the alchemist was kidding or if he was actually serious.

"Oh come on, sing 'New York' just once!"

"I am not Frank Sinatra."

" How about 'Luck be a lady'? "

"No!" Archer got up to go turn in his paperwork/get away from the madman.

" 'Come fly with me'?"

"GO AWAY!"

"That's not how it goes."

"Would you shut up already?" Kimblee got up and followed him.

" 'Fly me to the moon'?"

"I'll shoot you to the moon!"

And this continued all day long.

XxxxxxxXxxxxxxX


	4. 4 Retaliation

See if you can guess the movie before Kimblee does!

_Disclaimer: The person who wrote this fanfic does not own FMA. _

Retaliation

All day Kimblee followed Archer around, requesting Sinatra songs. It took every ounce of his control to not shoot him. As soon as the day was over, he rushed out of headquarters and headed home faster than you could say, "Sing 'I get a kick out of you'!" (To which he would have responded, "Ask me that again and I'll kick you!"). He slammed the door to his dorm shut, almost breaking the windows. He knew the only way to calm himself down was to fix himself a pot of tea, lay down on the couch, and watch his favorite movie. And during it, he thought up a way to get back at the annoying alchemist…

-The next day-

"Oh Kimblee…" Archer said to the Crimson Alchemist with a smirk as he walked into his office.

"Yes Mr. Sinatra?" He replied with a smile.

The blue-eyed man twitched but shook it off. "Yes yes, I'm a famous singer…and you're a math geek."

The alchemist cocked his head. "Huh?"

Archer gave him a smug smile. "I was watching a movie last night and during this one scene I saw a person named Kimblee…and guess what? He was a Mathlete! So HA! You're a math geek!"

Kimblee did not react the way Archer expected him too. Instead, he gave him a curious look. "I think I know what movie you're talking about. 'Mean Girls ®', right?"

"….."

"You watched 'Mean Girls'?"

"….if you tell anyone I'll kill you."

"It's not that! It's just….good to know there's someone else who likes it too and isn't a girl!"

"…go away."

And for the rest of the day, Kimblee continued to make 'Mean Girls' references and quotes.

"Four for you Glen Coco! You go Glen Coco!"

XxxxxxxXxxxxxxX


	5. 5 Miniskirts

_Disclaimer: I don't even own a miniskirt. What makes you think I own FMA?_

Miniskirts 

The day had finally arrived: Roy Mustang was Fuhrer of Amestris. And his first order…the Miniskirt Law.

"I'm not the only one who will object to it." General Riza Hawkeye (1) said, standing by him as he sighed the papers for the new law.

Roy half smiled. "I doubt that."

She frowned at him. "Sir, it's a sexist and completely inappropriate law! It serves no purpose than to satisfy the desires of the male soldiers!"

"I disagree with you. After all, despite what you may think, this law is not in the interests of the men. I'm looking out for the women in the military!"

"Oh really?" She crossed her arms and raised one eyebrow.

"Yes! Think about it: There are women in this military who like skirts, and even prefer skirts to pants, am I right?"

"Well, yes, you are probably right about that…"

"Also, in summer, isn't it hot under that heavy uniform? If you wear a skirt, it will be much cooler. And by the way, I'm introducing in uniforms with a lighter fabric for summertime."

"Ok, you have a good point…"

"And consider this: by wearing a skirt, you have more options for tights, stockings, and socks. It's like a school uniform; the socks are optional."

"…..you're making it difficult for me to argue with this plan."

"So, do you agree?" He smiled triumphantly.

"Not yet. I said it was difficult, but not impossible. I still say that this law serves to provide eye-candy for the men in our military as well as the country."

He shook his head. "General, listen to yourself. You really are looking down on men. Not every soldier has a leg fetish."

"Just you?" She smirked a little.

"Yes just mNO! NO!" He cleared his throat. "Not at all! You're putting words in my mouth! That is not my reasoning for instating this law! I told you, I'm looking out for the females in our military."

"While giving yourself something to ogle at."

"…."

"Do you deny it?"

"….Ok, we'll compromise…."

XxxxxxxXxxxxxxX

And so, the Miniskirt law was put into place, except that the "required" part was changed to "optional." However, most of the female staff wore the skirts. Including Riza!

"I…it's only because it's summer and its hot!"

"But it's still springtime."

"…get back to work!"

XxxxxxxXxxxxxxX

(1) He had to give her a raise; he's a child without her! XP Ehh, he's a child anyway…


	6. 6 Name

_Disclaimer: I own nada, including FMA. _

Alternate ending to FMA Brotherhood episode 28.

Name

"Please Edo-kun!"

"No!"

"But I'm hungry!" Ling whined.

"You ate just two hours ago!" Ed replied.

"And I'm hungry again, so please buy me some food! Just one bowl of rice, please!"

Ed sighed. "Fine, but only one bowl of rice…"

"Make it fried rice."

"Ok, fried rice,"

"With chicken."

"…with chicken."

"And eggs. And steamed vegetables and a side order of pork dumplings…."

"Don't push it."

XxxxxxxXxxxxxxX

Ling practically skipped through the streets of Rush Valley, looking at all the street venders and their goods for sale. Specifically, the food stalls.

"Ahh, smells so good!" He said happily. "This western food looks delicious!"

Ed pointed his finger at him. "Don't even think about it. I bought you a large breakfast this morning."

"But now it's afternoon and my stomach needs nourishment! It's empty."

"Yeah well your stomach is gonna make my wallet become empty!" Ed frowned as he continued to walk off. "Pay for your own food!"

"Please Edward, please! I need this food! It's why I came to this country; to have a taste of the culinary masterpieces of Amestris!"

"I thought you were after the Philosophers Stone Young Master." Fu commented.

"Oh yeah, that too."

XxxxxxxXxxxxxxX

Ed thought his eyes would pop out of their sockets.

"You ordered one of EVERYTHING off the menu?"

"Well everything looked so good I just couldn't decide what to get." The Xing prince said with a smile as he took another bite out of his chocolate éclair.

"Aren't you a prince? Where is all your money?"

"Well, I don't have a very large allowance and I spent all the money that I do have."

"On what?"

The 12th prince of Xing held up a box of pocky.

Lan Fan quickly rushed him out of the window and onto the lamplight streets before Ed went on his rampage.

XxxxxxxXxxxxxxX

"Ling?"

"Huh? Ah, you mean the owner of this body? Sorry." Ling smirked and stood up. The bandage around his hand slowly unraveled, revealing the ouroboros mark. "Greed has taken over this container."

"You're not Ling?" Al asked, shocked.

"You're Greed?" Ed asked incredulously. "No…no, this isn't right…"

"I know Ed." Al looked down. "I'm upset too."

"No, no not that. I mean… I kind of understand why he's Greed but I think Gluttony would be a much better sin for him."

"But I'm Gluttony…" Gluttony said, confused.

Ed continued. "He's always eating and whenever he's not eating he's hungry. Yet he manages to stay so skinny! And I thought Gluttony's stomach was a bottomless pit…."

Greed-Ling frowned. "Look kid, I'm Greed, deal with it." Suddenly, his stomach growled. "Huh? ….For some reason, I'm starving…"

"I knew it!" Ed smiled triumphantly. "Ling is still in there!"

Gling (1) closed his eyes as Greed's soul went to speak with Ling. "What the hell are you doing to me? I've never been this hungry in my life!"

"It's not like I'm consciously doing it! I haven't eaten for the longest time! The only meal I've had in the past few hours is Ed's leather shoe! Ick!" He stuck out his tongue. "I need something to get this taste out of my mouth."

"Dammit, why did I get stuck with your body?" Greed returned to consciousness.

"Now then Greed, about your role in all this…" Father started to say.

"Can't talk old man!" Gling said as he ran out of the lair. "I gotta find a ramen shop fast!"

XxxxxxxXxxxxxxX

(1) Combination Greed-Ling


	7. 7 Shell

BEFORE YOU READ! Watch this: .com/watch?v=VF9-sEbqDvU

_Disclaimer: I do not own FMA or Marcel the Shell with Shoes on….as much as I want to…_

Shell

Not many people knew this, but Roy Mustang was a daredevil. He laughed in the face of danger and took risks that most people would never take. Things like walking at the edge of a cliff, diving in shark-infested waters, and, the bravest thing a man could ever do: insult Edward Elric's height. This was even more dangerous than sticking your hand in the cage of a vicious tiger that hadn't been fed in three weeks. Yet Mustang did it, all because he liked teasing the little guy. Like when a father ruffles his son's hair even if he ties to squirm away. And it seemed like he had an endless list of short jokes. But the Colonel was not perfect; even he ran out of ideas.

It was on this day that his mind went blank. The Elric brothers had returned from yet another false lead to the Philosopher's Stone.

"Yeah yeah, another dead end, waste of money; I've heard it all before." Ed scowled and turned to leave,

"Wait Fullmetal, I wouldn't go out there just yet if I were you."

Ed turned around. "Why?"

He pointed to the window. "It's drizzling. You're at risk of drowning!" He smirked.

"You said that two weeks ago."

"…I did?"

"Yup." He nodded.

"….umm….you're so short….uh…..um…."

"HA! You're losing your touch! Your threats are USELESS now!" Ed laughed mockingly and walked out.

Roy frowned. "Dammit…I gotta think up some new material!"

-A few days later-

The Flame Alchemist was sitting at his desk with a big smile on his face.

"You're looking happy today." Havoc commented. "Too happy. I'm a little scared…"

"Oh, you shouldn't be the one who's scared." He chuckled evilly.

It was then that Ed walked in. "Hey, you wanted to see me?"

"Why yes, I did. But this is an announcement for everyone as well. Yesterday I saw this video on YouTube ®…"

"You were watching YouTube ® videos when you were supposed to be doing your paperwork…again?" Riza asked.

Roy ignored her. "The video reminded me of you, Ed, because the main character was a TINY, LITTLE, shell named Marcel!"

Ed frowned and twitched. "Tiny…little…"

"So, I think I'll compare some of the characteristics of Marcel to you…." He cleared his throat and began…

"Guess what Ed wears as a hat?"

After a moment of silence, the colonel's team asked, "What"

"A lentil!"

The five soldiers nervously looked at one another, not wanting to laugh so as not to face Ed's wrath.

"One time Ed nibbled on a piece of cheese and his cholesterol went up to 900!"

Again, they wanted to laugh but at the same time they knew the consequences.

"Guess what Ed uses to tie his skis to his car?"

"What?"

"A hair! Guess what his skis are?"

"What?"

"Toe nails from a man!"

It was becoming more and more difficult for them not to laugh.

"Guess what Ed uses as a beanbag chair? A raisin!"

Fuery broke first. He snickered then quickly covered his mouth and looked terrified. Ed did not seem to notice. In fact, he was standing quietly in front of Roy's desk, listening to everything he was saying.

"Guess what Ed does for adventure?"

"What?"

"He hang glides on a Dorito®!"

Havoc was next. He let out a chuckle, as did Fuery.

"Guess what he uses as a pen?"

"What?"

"He uses a pen but he needs everyone's help!"

The rest of the team started to chuckle. "Well, it seems safe…" Breda said.

"Ed's afraid to drink soda because he's afraid the bubbles will make him float up onto the ceiling!"

Now the team was starting to laugh out loud.

"Ed's one regret in life is that he'll never have a dog…"

The team laughed during the long pause.

"So instead he drags around a piece of lint tied to a hair! And guess where he found that lint?"

"Where?" They all asked, smiling.

"Under a tooth! Well, you know what they say,"

"What?" They struggled to ask as they were laughing too much.

"A lint is a chibi's best friend. One time Ed smelled the smell from an old tennis sneaker and it knocked him right out! One time Ed looked at a diamond and it gave him a sunburn! Ed can't even lift up a crayon! He can't lift anything up at all!"

Roy smiled triumphantly. "There. I'm finished."

The team settled down, shaking from hysterics.

"I think you've filled your short joke quota for the next six months." Riza said with a smile, wiping at a few tears in her eyes.

The Flame alchemist looked at the Fullmetal alchemist. "Well Fullmetal, what do you have to say? Am I useless now?"

Ed was silent for a moment. "Ok, you won…for now. Enjoy your victory Colonel," He turned to leave. "It won't last long." With that, he walked out.

Roy sat back in his seat and put his arms behind his head. "Like I'm scared."

XxxxxxxXxxxxxxX

A few days later, Roy walked out of the building and was immediately pelted with countless water balloons. He blinked in confusion and looked around frantically for the source. He soon found Ed standing a few feet away from him, a bucket of water balloons next to him.

The blonde alchemist smirked and tapped his sneakers together. "I won't fight unless I'm provoked."

XxxxxxxXxxxxxxX


End file.
